Lets talk about MOM GUILT. We all get it one time or another, for one reason or another. My current mom guilt struggle is based around working. I have been back to work full time for a little over three months.
I did not want to come back. Not even a little bit.
After 8 weeks with my baby, it was hard for me to think about not being with him all day. I am lucky to have family watching him while I work, but I still felt like it should be me caring for him all day. I felt like both him & I were going to be missing out on something. I still feel that way at times.
At first, going back into the office was hard. I missed him terribly. I had to get used to pumping 3 times a day. I was worried not just about missing out on something with my baby, but also my supply dropping. I had all these thoughts; “What if he forgets me?” “What if I am not his favorite person anymore?” “What if he doesn’t miss me?”. I soon found out that was not the case, but it was like dropping into the world of unknown. Motherhood is uncharted territory for me, and honestly, I would still probably feel this way if we had a second baby.
After weeks of working, I was still waiting. Waiting to stop missing my baby everyday all day when I was at work. Waiting for the feeling of guilt every time I pulled out of the driveway to go away. Waiting to feel like I wasn’t missing out on something.
Well, it’s been months now, and I still feel that way. I still can not wait to get to him and see his happy little face light up when he sees me, to give him hugs & kissies (as we call them) for 5 minutes first thing – unless hes napping, to spend the weekends with my husband & baby blissfully doing not much at all.
I’ve been told this feeling will go away. As he gets older, & turns into a real kid with an attitude – “You won’t always miss him” or “You will just get used to it”. At first I looked at those statements as light at the end of the tunnel. That the feeling of guilt would be fleeting as time went on. I found solace in that. Then I thought about it more. Did I really want to not miss him every time I was away? Did I really want to get used to feeling like this? Become numb to it over time? No. Nope, don’t want that either.
So, what gives then? Do I stop being a contributing part to our house hold while my baby is still a baby? No, I could never let my husband bear all of that burden. Do I continue working full time, feeling a dull ache of guilt for the next 18 years? Well, that sure sounds terrible. Do I put my husbands & my plans on hold so I can cut back working? Also, doesn’t sound great. What do I do? How do I know what I am doing is right? Will I ever know that?
There wasn’t a clear cut easier answer to any of these questions. After about three months of feeling like this, I knew I had to give it up to God. I have to let him guide me down this path called motherhood.
I know God is working for my family. I know that he will never let my child go without. I know that he is guiding me every day.
So while I still feel guilty and sadness at times for leaving my baby, I remember that I am living a plan devised by God and, he’s got this. 💙